The Eva Matrix Regurgitated
by sentinel28
Summary: The long awaited meeting between the Backstabber and Shinji, and the unveiling of the Twins! Will they find the Fleamaker? Who's the chick in the leather bra? Will Asuka ever kiss Shinji again? R&R, or I'll sic the Inuyasha fans on you. Yes, you.
1. Outer Scout Upgrades

_THE EVA MATRIX REGURGITATED_

_Oh, Dear Heaven, He's Doing It Again_

_A Shameless Attempt at Humor by Ben Da Mad_

_Based Extremely Roughly on "The Matrix Reloaded" by the Wachowski Brothers_

_Characters and Situations Horribly Corrupted from "Neon Genesis Evangelion" by Hideaki Anno_

_And Every Other Anime I Could Shove In_

_THE USUAL CYA: In case the point hasn't quite gotten across yet, I don't own any of the characters or situations in this story. This is a work of parody. Yeah...like you actually thought that Shinji Ikari, Man Without Spine, could ever be Neo the Ever Ass-Kicking. Seriously, did you?_

_AUTHOR'S RAMBLINGS: Well, I have finally seen the entire Matrix trilogy, and while I think there are plot holes in it that one could drive a truck through, I'm not the one who's making 80 gazillion smackers off of it. Therefore, I merely intend to once more make fun of it. So I appreciate everyone who's been bugging me to write a sequel to the critically-acclaimed "The Eva Matrix." And for all five of you that actually care, I still intend to write more of "Evangelion: Evolution," but right now I want to write something silly. _

_ Prepare thyself..._

The city's quiet was shattered by the sound of breaking safety glass and the eruption of missile fire. 

From the 68th floor, a battlearmored figure fell, trailing shards of glass and smoke. It twisted in midair to fire upwards as a young woman dressed in a black _fuku_ leapt from the shattered window. Without fear, the woman followed the battlesuit towards the distant street below. She too twisted in midair, avoiding the clouds of mini-missiles fired her way. As she dodged the last missile, she raised her hands, her eyes blazing with red fire. "SUPREME THUNDER!" she shouted, and a bolt of pure, raw power exploded from her white-gloved hands. It crossed the distance between the woman and the battlesuit in an eyeblink and cored through the suit's armor, to penetrate the flesh beneath.

Asuka Langely Soryu's mouth opened in a silent scream as she realized she was going to die.

In the real world, Shinji Ikari's eyes snapped open. He stiffened and for a moment fought against the bedcovers. Then realization dawned that, for good or bad, he was awake. He looked around frantically, only relaxing when he saw the sleeping, nude form of Asuka curled up next to him. Hand trembling, he touched her face lightly, just enough to make sure she was real, but not enough to wake her. Asuka smiled in her sleep and her hand briefly tightened on his chest.

There was no sleeping now, Shinji decided. Carefully so as not to wake Asuka, he got up from the bed, got dressed, and left their conjugal cabin.

The _Bebop_ sailed through the vast, titanic sewer systems and tunnels, gently rising and falling on its drive systems. The converted fishing vessel was not sleek or even aesthetically pleasing, but it was functional, which was all its crew cared about. To them, the _Bebop_ had often represented everything they fought for, more even than the Geofront, the last otaku city.

The Geofront was firmly on Makoto Hyuga's mind as he watched the tunnel walls spiral past. The short-range sensors were clear, but it was all he could do not to keep searching for Inus–the dreaded sentinels of the Censors, the ratings-driven monsters that had destroyed otakudom and now hunted the survivors relentlessly. "Sir," he said quietly, "are you sure about this?"

In another time, Gendo Ikari would have quickly squelched any dissent, but that Gendo Ikari was long dead. "I told you," Gendo said reassuringly, "we're going to be all right."

Makoto swallowed as he looked over the long-range sensors. "I understand, Commander, it's just that...well, I'm scoping some serious Inu activity up here–"

"Makoto."

"Yes, sir?"

"Given your situation, I can't say I fully understand your reasons for volunteering to operate onboard my ship." Gendo paused for effect. "However, if you wish to do so, I must ask you to do one thing."

"Shut up?"

"Very well, two things. Trust me is the other one."

"Yes, sir, I will sir–I mean, I do, sir."

"I hope so," Gendo replied with a trace of the old menace. "Now patch the main AC to the hard drives and stand by to broadcast."

Makoto looked confused. "Uh, sir, I don't quite understand what you mean..."

"Plug in the computer and turn it on."

"Yes, sir. Got it, sir. Shutting up, sir."

Shinji sat in a metal chair in the _Bebop's_ tiny but functional galley. He drank from a battered tin cup, some of the vile brake fluid-type substance that passed for coffee, lost in thought.

The door opened to admit Asuka, dressed in the same Goodwill rejects that everyone else wore. "Still can't sleep?" she asked without preamble. He shook his head, so Asuka sat down next to him, putting an arm around his shoulders. "You wanna talk, baka?"

He smiled slightly. In the six months since he had done the impossible–defeated an Agent Scout–his relationship with Asuka had deepened. They had quickly gone from cute pecks on the lips to deep soul kissing to wild monkey sex. Yes, folks, that's right: Shinji finally scored. While Asuka never quite glomped him like she had Ryoji Kaji in another life, they were inseperable. Asuka still called him baka, but it was always with affection. 

"They're just dreams," Shinji told her. It was not quite the truth. He _wanted_ to believe they were dreams, but Shinji also felt something was drastically wrong.

"If you're afraid of something..." Asuka began.

"I just wish...I wish I knew what I'm supposed to do." He looked at Asuka painfully. "That's all. I just wish I knew." Deep down, Shinji also wished he could, just once, get a role in an anime spinoff or a short story that didn't involve him being dragged through the mud emotionally.

Asuka kissed his cheek. "She's gonna call. Don't worry."

Makoto stuck his head through the open hatchway. "There you are!" Mentally, Makoto thanked heaven that Asuka and Shinji were only talking. One time he had come into the galley and caught Shinji giving Asuka the Aunt Jemima Treatment. That had taken some time to get over.

Asuka looked up. "Are we ready to go?"

"We're already late."

The room was dimly lit, barely ventilated, hot, and smelled of unwashed socks. And fear. Gathered in the steel-walled chamber were twenty people, all to one extent or another desperate, angry, and scared. They had not met like this in weeks, and the fact that they were made the news not good. Not good at all.

Rally Vincent tossed a sheaf of computer printouts onto the room's sole furnishing, a steel table. "These geotherms confirm the last transmission of the _Cha Cha Maru._" She looked around the room, hands on her hips. "The Censors are digging. They're boring from the surface straight down to the Geofront."

"Oh, crap," spat Tetsu Hayumi.

"They'll avoid the perimeter defense," nodded Duo Maxwell.

"Gee, it's awfully hot in here," said Yurika Misumaru. "Think we could go outside?" Everyone ignored her.

"How fast are they moving?" Robin asked.

"Magi estimates their descent at a hundred meters an hour." Rally held up a hand to forestall the next question. "They're almost two thousand meters deep." 

Hayumi picked up one of the printouts, swore, and dropped it onto the table. "What about the scans from the _Cha Cha Maru?_"

"They can't be accurate," Maxwell snapped. "No way!"

"They might be," Rally sighed.

"It's not possible," Maxwell insisted. "That'd mean there are a quarter million Inus out there!"

"Yep."

"No way," Maxwell repeated.

"Way." The people in the room turned as Gendo Ikari, dressed in his typical outfit of jacket, slacks, and red turtleneck, walked in and took a seat at the table. Behind him stood Asuka and Shinji, dressed in what was now their customary Eva Matrix wear, plugsuits. "And why not? An Inu for every man, woman, child, Chobit, and Pokemon in the Geofront. That sounds _exactly_ like the thinking of some unfeeling Censor. Get everyone in their ratings base, or kill them all."

Rally Vincent's mouth quirked into not quite a smile. "Gendo, glad you could join us."

"Rally," Gendo said by way of greeting. He turned to the others in the room. "My apologies. As you are all undoubtedly aware, it has become increasingly difficult to locate a secure broadcast position."

"Not since Teen Titans came on," nodded Robin Sera.

"Mainlines are crawling with Inus," added Hayumi. "And if Rally's right, in 72 hours there's gonna be a quarter million more."

"Oh, gee, this is sooo bad," Yurika said. "What're we going to do about it?"

"What Admiral Hunter ordered us to do," Rally snapped. "We'll evacuate broadcast level and return to the Geofront."

"And does the Admiral have a plan for stopping 250,000 Inus? We can't make them all sit." Gendo smiled at his little joke.

"A strategy is being formulated. He's got a plan," Rally insisted.

"So did Custer."

Behind Gendo, Shinji gave a start. He reflexively looked at the ceiling, then the walls. No one noticed but Asuka. "What is it?" she whispered.

"I don't know." Shinji excused himself and walked around the crew in the room, towards the stairwell entrance. A few people watched him go, but most had their attention on Gendo, who was still speaking.

"I must ask one of you for help," Gendo said. "Some of you believe as I believe. Some of you don't. Some of you don't care one way or another." He looked pointedly at Yurika, who left off counting the holes in the ceiling and fidgeted nervously. "Those of you that do believe, know we are nearing the end of our struggle. The prophecy will be fufilled soon, but before it can be, we must consult the Oracle." There were a few nods around the room, but very few. Gendo steepled his gloved hands before him. "If we return and recharge now, we can be back within 36 hours. Well before the Inus have reached this depth."

Rally arched an eyebrow. "Do you understand what you're asking?"

"Yes. I am asking that one ship remain here in our place just in case the Oracle should attempt to contact us."

"No, you're not," Yurika whined. "You're asking one of us to disobey a direct order!"

Gendo smiled thinly. "That's right, I am. Of course, most of us are here because of two things: our affinity for disobedience and a marked lack of good sense."

"And what happens when you get back to the Geofront and the Admiral throws you in the stockade?" Robin asked.

"He won't," Gendo said with such finality that everyone believed him.

"Dammit, Gendo, you'll never change." Maxwell laughed. "I'll do it, just to see what Hunter does to you. You've got 36 hours." He looked at his watch. "Starting now."

Four floors above the meeting room, there was a hard knock on the thick steel door that was one of the few entrances to the building. Mitsune and Motoko looked at each other for a moment, then decided who was going to answer it. Having chosen scissors to rock, Motoko grumpily got to her feet, drew her katana, and slid back the eyeslit. 

The person standing there was backlit, so all Motoko could see was a silhouette of a head with pigtails. "I'm looking for Shinji Ikari." The voice was female.

"Never heard of him," Motoko snapped.

"I have something for him," the person continued, as if Motoko had said nothing. "A gift. You see...he set me free." A hand proferred a lumpy envelope through the eyeslit. 

"What_ever,_" Motoko snarled. She snatched it from the hand. "Now go away!" She slammed the eyeslit shut, mumbled something not very nice, then turned to go back to Mitsune. Standing with the overbuilt other woman was Shinji Ikari. "Who was that?" he asked.

"How did yew know someone was hyeah?" Mitsune looked shocked. 

Motoko ignored her, as usual, and handed Shinji the envelope. "It was a woman. She gave you this. She said you set her free." 

Shinji opened the envelope. An object slid out onto his palm. It took a moment for him to realize what it was, but when he did, he went pale.

It was an oversized bowtie, the color of blood.

"Is everythang all ryight?" Mitsune asked.

"The meeting is over," Shinji said quickly. "Retreat to your exits. Scouts are coming."

"Scouts?!" Motoko's sword trembled for a moment. All three whirled as something hit the steel door with enough force to leave a dent in it. The floor began to shake, little pebbles rattling dangerously.

"Go!" Shinji ordered. The two women didn't hesitate a moment longer, and fled down the stairs. Shinji went into a stance and waited. Seven months ago, he would've outsprinted Mitsune and Motoko away from the door. But that was before he realized he was the Third Child.

Cracks appeared around the door and Shinji was hard-pressed to keep his balance. Masonry crumbled until the door finally fell inwards with a crash. Through it stepped three Agent Scouts. They were dressed identically in all black fukus and looked somewhat identical, but each had a slightly different color of bowtie: dayglo pink for the overendowed one in front with a ponytail; dark yellow for the one to the mannish-looking one to the left; and deep sea blue for the one to the right, with green hair.

"Hello, ladies," Shinji said in ironic greeting.

"It's him," said the one in front.

"The Whiny One," from the one on the left.

"Do we proceed?" came from the right.

"Yes," said the one in front.

"He is still..."

"...only a Gainax character."

"In which case..."

"...go get 'im, Scout Jupiter."

Jupiter sighed. "Yeah, it's always me. He looks like my old boyfriend." She walked forward, and with a crack of thunder, launched a fist at Shinji's skull. Shinji, one hand behind his back, blocked the punch. With ease, he blocked the next three and dodged two kicks. But when he threw a punch of his own, it too was blocked. Shinji looked into the Scout's eyes, through her sunglasses. "Hmm," he mused. "Outer System Scouts."

Shinji got his hand free, spun on one foot, and landed a solid kick to Jupiter's chin. She flew backwards, smashing into the wall with a crash of bricks. Jupiter unpeeled herself from the wall and speared the other two Scouts with an icy glare. "Would you two quit making out and help me?"

"If you insist," Scout Uranus growled. "World SHAKING!" Shinji had to leap upwards as the floor split and collapsed beneath him.. He stuck his tongue out at Uranus, but was smashed back towards the ground as a wave of water hit him. "Deep SUBMERGE!" cried Scout Neptune. "Finish him, Lina!"

"Supreme THUNDER!" Lightning crackled from Jupiter's fingers and leapt for Shinji as he shook off the water. He dived forward, rolling as the lightning went over his head. Jupiter followed him with the lightning. At the last moment, Shinji changed direction in midair and leapt at Neptune. By instinct, she tried another Submerge attack, but that proved to be a bit of mistake, as lightning and water do not mix well. Neptune screamed as Jupiter's lightning traveled back down and electrocuted her, sending her flying into the opposite wall. "Oops," Jupiter mumbled.

Uranus turned and dodged as Shinji alighted next to her, snapping a kick at her face. With superhuman speed, she dashed forward, grabbed, and tossed Shinji at a metal pole, but Shinji, acting without thought, grabbed it, spun, and used his momentum to deliver a bra-shattering double kick to Uranus' stomach. Her breath blew out as she went flying, ending up pasted to the wall next to her...err...cousin. Yeah, cousin, that's it.

Jupiter wasn't having any and let fly with another flurry of bolts. Shinji somersaulted back through the remains of the door; Jupiter followed, leaping towards him. Shinji came to his feet first and delivered a palm strike to her chest. His hand stopped, absorbed by the rather large fleshy softness. "Quit copping a feel!" Jupiter shouted, scandalized.

"Sorry, sorry," Shinji stammered out, turning red. He effortlessly dodged a few punches and kicks, praying that Asuka never found out about that last one. Finally, with Ranma like quickness, he spotted an opening: Shinji ducked under Jupiter's fist. As she turned to face him, he kicked her into a light pole. Her head struck the pole with a metallic gonging noise, and she slumped to the street. The pole shuddered like a tuning fork and shook loose the light itself, which shattered when it hit the pavement.

"Flawless victory," Shinji said, doing a brief victory jig. He really was getting used to this. Then he stopped, because it had gotten quiet. Too, too quiet. Someone was out there, and Shinji thought he had a good idea as to who it was. _Can't be,_ he thought. _I killed her dead. Well, rewrote and erased her program...didn't I?_ Deciding that now really was a good time to run away, Shinji crouched, concentrated, then leapt upwards. He bounced off the walls a few times, but rose into the sky majestically, gone in an eyeblink.

Except for a soft breeze, nothing stirred in the alley for a moment. Then black bootsoles crunched across the glass. Serena looked contemptously at the unconscious Jupiter. "That went as expected," she smirked.

"Yep." A second Serena walked from the opposite end of the alley, taking her place next to her identical twin. "It's happening exactly as before."

"Well..." Serena's smirk grew. "Not exactly." And because this is based in anime, she raised the back of her hand to her mouth. "Oh HO HO HO HO HO HO!"


	2. A Glare of Two Cities

_AUTHOR'S NOTES: Again, much thanks to everyone who reviewed the last chapter. A special shout-out to Rory Betteridge, Collis Paris, and Tim Murphy for helping me out. _

_ For those of you that live in the Midwest USA, I'll be at Anime Central May 14-16, hopefully dressed as Gendo Ikari. Look me up if you get a chance–I'll be around somewhere!_

Makoto Hyuga shook his head in wonder as he watched the Eva Matrix code radically shift and change. A series of clicks in his earpiece told him of an incoming call. "Operator." 

"What happened back there, Makoto?" It was Gendo.

"I can't figure it out, Commander. Scouts just came out of nowhere, and then the code got all weird. Encryption I've never seen before."

"Is Shinji okay?"

"Okay?" Makoto laughed. "Damn, Commander, you should have seen him."

"Where is he now?"

Makoto scanned the readouts and sighed. "Doing his Kiki impression."

Shinji, with his ability to warp the Eva Matrix, had assembled EVA-01 around him. The purple and green monstrosity rose through the clouds on amber, dragonfly-like wings. It hovered for a moment, as Shinji got his bearings. He then canted the mecha downwards, and dived at near the speed of sound towards Tokyo-3 below. The clouds parted around him with a thunderclap of displaced air, as Shinji moved fast enough to pull the clouds behind the Eva like a cyclone. Looking, he finally found what he was looking for, and alighted the Eva next to a deserted old temple. He ejected the entry plug partway and climbed down, going inside. The door opened easily to his touch, and he stepped into familiar rooms, noticing the hole in the wall that Son Goku had made to demonstrate there was indeed no wall. Even the arrows Kagome had nearly killed him with were still embedded in a shoji panel. But of the Oracle, Belldandy, there was no sign. A thin film of dust revealed that no one had been in the rooms for some time. Shinji sat down onto the couch and stared at the ceiling. "Where _are_ you?" he wondered aloud.

Several hours later, the _Bebop_ cruised down a very old access tunnel at slow speed. Makoto was at the helm this time, watching the rusting metal walls of the tunnel very carefully. There were protrusions here that could damage the _Bebop._ He also knew there were defenses hidden in the tunnel walls that could destroy the ship. The Geofront remained the last otaku haven because of its hidden location, and its thick defenses. The first had already been compromised.

"This is the _Bebop_ on approach," he radioed, "requesting access to Central Dogma."

In the Geofront's Command Tower, overlooking the vast open docking bay that was Central Dogma, a short, teenaged blonde woman touched her headset. _"Bebop,_ this is Geofront Approach. Maintain present velocity and stand by." Sammie Young switched frequencies as Makoto acknowledged her order. "Geofront Approach to Central Defense, requesting immediate stand down of defenses at Gate Three. We have the _Bebop_ on approach. Let's open her up." She waited patiently until her board showed all green lights, indicating the defenses had been placed on standby. "Thanks, Central. _Bebop,_ you are clear through Gate Three to Launch Bay 07."

"Roger that," Makoto replied.

"Door's open and we even left the light on for you. Welcome home, _Bebop._"

"No place like it," Makoto smiled. He pushed the _Bebop's_ throttle forward and eased the ship down the approach corridor, watching the lights set into the floor. On either side, he saw several gun batteries and Deca missile launchers swivel back to lay flush against the walls. Ahead of him, two enormous armored steel doors slid aside to allow the _Bebop_ into Central Dogma. He applied a little more throttle; the _Bebop_ slowly entered the cavernous interior of Central Dogma's launch bays. Beneath the bulbous, pointed bow of the ship, Makoto noticed an Aestavalis covering the entrance he had just come through. Just because no Inus had ever penetrated this far, or attempted to enter an open gate, did not mean they wouldn't try. The _Bebop_'s stern had just passed through the gate when it began to rumble shut again. Makoto deftly manuevered the ship around, twisting it gently 180 degrees and set it down, extending the landing gear. Once he was sure that the ship was securely in its bay, he let out his breath and leaned back. Finally, they were home again. It was not to last long, but it was long enough. He shut down the _Bebop'_s systems and went back to the main deck, where Gendo, Shinji, and Asuka already waited with their gear. Makoto slung his duffel bag over one shoulder, and Shinji helped him drag the ship's personal weapons to the ramp.

Waiting at the bottom of the ramp when it hissed open was an entourage of men dressed in high-impact plastic armor, leather, and steel helmets, all black. The man standing to one side, however, was dressed in a less threatening yellow jumpsuit. Gendo nodded at him respectfully. "Pilot Tenkawa."

Akito Tenkawa smiled back. "Commander Ikari."

"Are you here to escort me to the brig, Pilot?"

"I'm just here to keep the peace. Besides, I'm a cook." He nodded at the men in the black armor. One of them removed his gas mask and tried to stare holes through Gendo. "Admiral Hunter demands–" Gendo turned and lifted his head slightly, catching the reflection of Central Dogma's lights in his glasses. The man swallowed nervously at being the recipient of the Gendo Glare. "Er...requests your immediate counsel. Sir."

Gendo merely nodded. "Makoto."

"Sir?"

"I want the ship ready to go as soon as humanly possible."

"Yes, sir."

Gendo nodded once more to Akito and followed the armored men across a catwalk, the Aestavalis pilot falling in behind. Shinji leaned over to Asuka. "What is it between them?"

"Gendo and Hunter?" Asuka shrugged. "Rally Vincent."

"Commander Vincent?"

"A lot of things changed after Third Impact. Rally used to be with Gendo. Now she's with Hunter."

Shinji shook his head. _Damn, Dad _is_ a pimp. Mom, Ritsuko, Rei, _and_ Rally Vincent? Whoa._ "So what happened?"

"Gendo went to the Oracle. After that, things _really_ changed."

Shinji looked at the grated floor. "Yeah, she does that, I've noticed." His name being shouted brought his head up. "Oh, no."

Asuka bit back a vile German curse. "How does he _always_ know?"

"Doesn't he have anything better to do?"

"You know what they say about the life you save. They become giant pains in the tuckus."

"I didn't save his life," Shinji insisted, but put a smile on his face as Kensuke Aida bounded up to him. He slapped Shinji on the back with enough force to collapse his lungs and went to embrace Asuka. Asuka gave Kensuke a glare that would freeze a nuclear reactor, so he just grinned at her. "Shinji! Asuka! Makoto! Wow, it's so kewl to have you back!"

"We've only been gone for a few friggin' days–" Asuka began, but Shinji cut her off. "Thanks, Kensuke," he said. "It's good to be back."

"Can I carry that for you, Shinji?" Kensuke bubbled, pointing at Shinji's backpack.

"No, that's okay, I got it."

"Asuka?"

"I'm fine. Go awa–"

"Makoto?"

"Sure!" Makoto exclaimed. "You can carry these." He pointed to the weapons bag. Kensuke pushed up his glasses and eagerly grabbed the bag, then nearly went down with a hernia. "Lift with the legs, Kensuke."

"Sure...erg..." Somehow, Kensuke got the bag over one shoulder without major injury. "Hey, you know...argh...I'm taking the tests to join a crew. I've...damn...been thinking about it and I've...ow...made my decision."

"Let me guess," Makoto groused.

"The _Bebop,_ of course!" Kensuke's happiness momentarily overrode the feeling that he was about to be torn in half. "I know Commander Ikari hasn't filled the other crew positions yet...I'm sure he has his reasons, but the more I think about it, the more I think it's meant to be. You know, destiny. I mean, you're the whole reason I'm here, Shinji—iiiii!" With that, Kensuke fell over with a crash.

Shinji helped him up. "Kensuke, you found me, I didn't find you."

"Yeah, but you got me out! You saved me!"

Shinji looked to Asuka for assistance, but she merely rolled her eyes.

Several levels up into the bowels of Central Dogma, Gendo Ikari stepped into Admiral Rick Hunter's office. He had been there before, but even if he had not, he would have known it by heart. It was circular, with a reflective black floor and ceiling. Gendo looked up reflexively, but of course there was no Tree of Life there, only the fighting kite symbol of the GDF. Shaking his head at lives long past, Gendo stepped forward and stood before the desk that had once been his.

Unlike Gendo, Rick Hunter had printouts and paperwork spread out all over the desk, threatening to overrun his computer. Rick looked up and pushed the fall of brown hair from his face. "Commander Ikari," he said flatly.

"Admiral Hunter," Gendo acknowledged.

Rick returned to his paperwork for a long minute, then looked back up to Gendo. "I've spoken to the other ship captains, and I wanted to offer you the chance to explain your actions."

"I wasn't aware that my actions required an explanation," Gendo replied evenly.

"You were given a direct order to return to the Geofront."

"And here I am."

Rick fought down an urge to strangle Gendo. "You asked for one ship to remain behind."

"I would have stayed myself, but the _Bebop_ needs supplies. We're running a little low on toilet paper."

"So you admit to a direct contravention of your duty," Rick snapped.

"Admiral, we need a presence inside the Eva Matrix to await contact from the Oracle–"

Rick shot to his feet. "I don't want to hear that crap! I don't care about Oracles or angels or dial-up Goddesses! I care about one thing–stopping that army from destroying this city, and to do that I need soldiers to obey my orders!" He got in Gendo's face. "Let's face it, Commander, your name isn't the best around here. You need to be doing it better and cleaner than the other guy. So what is it with you?"

Gendo did not raise to the obvious theft of lines from _Top Gun._ "With all due respect, Admiral, there is only one way to save our city."

"How? Stick a wave-motion gun in Central Dogma?"

"Not a bad idea, but I was referring to Shinji."

Rick's hand came down on his desk with a crack. "Dammit, Gendo! Not everyone believes what you believe!"

"My beliefs do not require them to."

"Were you always so damned Zen?"

"That depends on your definition of Zen."

Rick pulled out some of his hair. "Gad, I hate you! I'm going to recommend to the Plenipotentiary Council that you be removed from duty!"

"That is, of course, your perogative, Admiral."

Rick gritted his teeth. Was there anything that would ruffle this cold bastard? "If it were up to me, Gendo, you wouldn't set foot on a ship for the rest of your misbegotten life."

"Then I'm grateful that it's not up to you."

Rick's retort was cut off by the door sliding open, admitting a gray-haired man dressed in comfortable, samurai-like robes. The Admiral reined in his temper. "Councilor Fuyutsuki."

Kazuo Fuyutsuki resisted the urge to smile, and was glad he got here before Hunter had a chance to kill Gendo outright. "Admiral." He turned to Gendo, and did smile. "Commander."

Gendo returned the smile. "Councilor." He knew Fuyutsuki, of course. Unlike the older man, Gendo knew–and felt the shame of knowing–that he had once leaned on this man to help him in his plans, and then sacrificed him, as he had sacrificed all the others in initiating Third Impact. Fuyutsuki suspected that they shared a past, but neither man had ever brought the subject up. It was better to leave some things firmly in the past.

Fuyutsuki turned to Rick. "The Council's asked me to speak tonight, at the gathering. The presence of the fleet and the persistence of rumor must be addressed. The people deserve to know what's happening."

Rick took a deep breath, and some of the red went out of his face. "Of course, Councilor. But might I advise a level of discretion on details. We don't wish to start a panic."

"Right, a panic is not what anyone wants, full metal or otherwise." He looked at Gendo. "What about you, Commander, what would you advise?"

Gendo ignored the sounds of rupture from Rick. "The truth. No one will panic. There's nothing to fear. The Inus will never reach the Geofront gates."

"What makes you so sure?"

"Consider what we've seen in the last six months, Councilor. In the last six months, we've freed more otaku from the bonds of Toonami than we had in six years. No longer are we merely a bunch of smelly people in the world's largest basement. This attack is an act of desperation on the part of the Censors. I believe very soon that the prophecy will be fufilled and this war over ratings will end."

Fuyutsuki was quiet for a moment. "I hope you're right, Commander," he said at length.

"I do not believe it to be a matter of hope, Councilor," Gendo said with finality. "I believe it's a matter of time."

Shinji, Asuka, Makoto, and a mostly recovered Kensuke had gotten onto one of Central Dogma's freight elevators and rode it down, into the deep dark of Moira–er, the lower levels of the Geofront. Long ago, these had been converted from storage facilities into a warren of living quarters. 

Kensuke continued to prattle. "There's a gathering tonight. Everyone's talking and a lot of people are scared. No one can remember when so many ships were docked. Something's happening, isn't it? Something big, huh?"

Makoto looked to the ceiling for help. "For the fourth time, Kensuke-san, we're not allowed to say anything, so stop asking. Geez." The elevator rumbled to a stop, the doors opening. Makoto hefted his duffel bag. "Well, my stop. See you soon...hopefully not too soon." He winked at Shinji and Asuka, then grabbed Kensuke by the shoulder. "C'mon, Kensuke-san."

"But I wanted to jaw with Shinji some more–"

"I hear there's a new Aestavalis being unveiled down in the weapons level," Kensuke lied.

"No way! Kewl! Sorry, Shinji, I'll get back to you later, man!" Kensuke practically jumped out of the elevator. Asuka waved as the door slid shut and the elevator started moving downwards again.

Asuka looked at Shinji. Shinji looked at Asuka. Boldly, Shinji grabbed Asuka and gazed down into those beautiful, rich blue eyes. "Gimme some sugar, baby." Asuka did, too, pressing her lips so tightly against Shinji's that he thought she would shove his teeth down his throat. Her tongue thrust between aforementioned teeth and began going after Shinji's tonsils like a congoer on a box of pocky. Finally, Shinji managed to break free long enough to get some air. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" he gasped out.

"Yeah. This time let's use the oven mitts!"

"Close enough...how long to recharge the _Bebop_?"

"24, maybe 30 hours." Asuka began trying to get his belt unbuckled.

"Some people go their entire lives without hearing news that good. Woo-hoo!"

They were just about to get properly buckled to when the elevator suddenly groaned to a halt and the door slid open. An old woman stood there, a plate of pork rolls in one hand, a walking stick in the other. "Shinji, please, watch over my daughter Xian Pu onboard the _Cat Café–_" She rose from her bow and her eyes widened. Then she turned and yelled, "Hey, everyone, check it out! The Third Child's getting some!"

"No way!"

"Holy cow–the world _is_ ending!"

"Go for it, Shinji! My man!"

Shinji looked up with one strap of Asuka's bra in his teeth. He spit it out and rolled onto his back. "I'm so screwed up," he said to the ceiling.


	3. Feel Like Makin' Love

_AUTHOR'S NOTES: Whew! Back from three weeks on vacation, most of it spent watching anime! Anime Central was a blast, and I ran into some fellow FF.netters there. (I was dressed as Seta...no, the one without the helmet.) Now that I'm suitably fortified with pocky, yanyan, gashparon figures, and DVDs, on with the show! Oh yeah–as usual, thanks to all who R&R._

Makoto Hyuga, after having deposited Kensuke with the Aestavalis pilots, walked to his own quarters, pressing the button to open the door. "Where's my puss–" He stopped in midsentence as the door opened to reveal two children running towards him "–I mean, where's my Rei?"

"Uncle Makoto!" the children shouted happily. Makoto scooped them up into a hug and nearly collapsed. "Damn! Buddha, you're so huge, you should be picking _me_ up!" The children giggled and protested.

Beyond them, in the tiny common room, sat the children's father, Makoto's old friend Shigeru Aoba, and Rei Ayanami–the second or third incarnation of such, no one was quite sure. Shigeru grinned at Makoto, but Rei's red eyes bore holes through Makoto's chest like painting lasers. Makoto swallowed and set the children down. "Hey, Shigeru," he said, avoiding Rei's glare.

"Hey, Makoto." The two men shook hands and a brief hug. "Good to have you home, man." He snapped his fingers at the children. "Come on, kids! Time to go." They predictably groaned and demanded to stay, but eventually Makoto was able to hustle them out. He winked at Makoto. "You be careful with her, neh?"

"Do not worry about me," Rei said in a tone three degrees below absolute zero. "He is the one who will get it."

"Best of luck, and I get your DVD player if you buy it," Shigeru whispered, and shut the door behind him.

Makoto set his things down, took a deep breath, and decided to face the music. He had lived with Rei for almost six months now, not long after she returned from finding Shinji Ikari. Her former body had died at the hands of the traitorious Kaworu Nagisa, and the clone body lacked the hookups for her to travel into the Eva Matrix. Rei had gone into semi-retirement, working as a defense technician, where Makoto had met her. It wasn't exactly love at first sight, but while Rei still had deep feelings for Shinji, it was clear where his heart lay. Makoto, on the other hand, had hazy recollections of a tall, raven haired woman with a love of Yebisu Dry, but those were only dreams. He loved Rei, and was pretty sure Rei felt the same way about him. Given the look he was getting, he wasn't sure about that part. Men who displeased Rei tended to lose entire body parts. He decided to put a smile on it. "I'm gonna get what?"

Rei stood, making Makoto measure the distance to the door. Instead of tearing off an arm or two, she merely folded her arms around her protectively, her look becoming melancholy. "Every ship out there has been home two or three times more than the _Bebop._"

_Not this again,_ Makoto thought. At first, he had thought Rei missed the false reality of the Eva Matrix, but he now sensed that there was something wrong with Rei besides envy. "I thought we were past this, Rei."

The glare speared him again. "We will get past this when you start operating on another ship."

"I can't do that!"

"Why?" she asked, simply.

"You know why. Heck, _you_ used to be on the _Bebop._ Or at least one of you was."

"Yes. I also know how Gendo Ikari is, far more than you ever will, Makoto-chan. I never should have suggested that ship when you began operating."

Makoto shrugged. "Maybe, but it's too late now, Rei. I made a promise, and some promises can't be unmade."

Rei abruptly turned away, and Makoto was a little surprised at the pain in her voice. "It is not fair."

He took a chance and walked up behind her. "Nobody said it was gonna be. You think Shigeru thinks it's fair that I'm here and Maya's not?" Makoto knew that both he and Shigeru had shared a past with Maya, along with Ritsuko Akagi. Although there had been some question as to the relationship between Ritsuko and Maya, which seemed a little more than mentor and student, there was no doubt of the affection between Shigeru and Maya. Their two children, Misato and Kaji, had been the result. Only Ritsuko of the _Bebop_'s former crew knew about Maya's children, not even Gendo. Thus it had come as a bittersweet surprise when Maya had told them, shortly before she had succumbed to the wounds inflicted on her by Kaworu. Ritsuko had died at the traitor's hands first, then Toji and Rei's first body. "You're right, it's not fair," Makoto repeated. "But I have to do this."

"I lost three good friends and a piece of myself to that ship, Makoto. I am afraid I will lose more."

"Shinji?" Makoto couldn't resist asking.

"Shinji is my friend–a near and dear one. But you are the one that I love, if I am capable of that."

Makoto hugged her, resting his head on a pale shoulder. "You're not going to lose me. Gendo told me that this is it. The war's gonna be over soon."

"Gendo has said that for as long as I have known him."

"I know, but Maya and Ritsuko believed him." He gently turned her around to face him. "I'll tell you what–after being on that ship and seeing Shinji do the things he can do–I'm starting to believe Gendo too."

Rei put her slim hands on Makoto's chest. "I believe in Shinji. But there is a shadow growing in my mind, Makoto, and I am the seventh clone of a seventh clone." She shuddered. "Someone on that ship will die." She hugged Makoto tightly. "Be careful, Makoto-chan. Please be careful."

Kensuke Aida ran as hard as he could, past the barriers, sparing only a quick salivate over the two Aestavalises guarding the entrance to Terminal Dogma. At a glare from a guard, Kensuke quickly slipped off his shoes and padded into the cavernous chamber.

Terminal Dogma was easily a square kilometer in size, dominated at one end by a concrete tower that would not have been out of place on a battleship. The ground in front of it had been covered in thick mats, and crowded in the chamber was nearly half the population of the Geofront. It was literally standing room only, and the body heat of that many human beings and reasonable fascimilies of such raised the normally cold chamber's temperature considerably. (Not to mention the smell...whew.)

Standing atop the tower was Councilman Kozou Fuyutsuki, dressed in his customary gray uniform. Assembled below him, on the second level of the tower, were the assembled ship's captains and crewmembers, those that could be spared. Among them, Rally Vincent looked for Gendo Ikari, who was nowhere to be seen. The murmur died down as Fuyutsuki began to speak.

"Tonight, my friends," he said in a soft tone that was still able to reach every corner of the great chamber, "let us honor these men and women. These are our soldiers, our warriors–our husbands and wives, brothers and sisters, cousins and significant others, pets and secret admirers, children. Let us remember those that have been last. And let us give thanks for those who have been found and who stand here beside us." He paused for a moment. There were so many there, but so few as well. "Now I would like someone else to close this prayer," he said. "Someone who hasn't spoken from this tower in a long time, but who I believe has something to say that we all need to hear. I give you..."

"Megumi Hayashibara!" someone yelled. The crowd cheered.

"No," Fuyutsuki chuckled. "I give you–"

"Yoko Kanno!" More cheers.

"No, dammit! It's _Gendo_!"

The room erupted in applause and yells as 1970s style pimp music played over the speakers. Gendo Ikari took the tower's top, dressed in the way he looked inside the Eva Matrix–red turtleneck, black slacks and jacket, with yellow piping, and white gloves. He acknowledged the crowd with a nod, then raised a hand. The crowd instantly ceased, as did the music.

"Ladies and gentlemen, chobits and cabbits, catgirls and otaku!" Gendo's stentorian voice thundered through Terminal Dogma. "Hear me, my friends and somewhat casual acquaintances! It is true, what many of you have heard," he said without preamble. "The Censors have gathered an army, and as I speak that army is drawing nearer to our home. Believe me when I say that we have a difficult time ahead of us."

This got the crowd talking amongst themselves, in hushed, feared whispers. Below Gendo, Rick Hunter turned purple with rage. "But if we are to be prepared for it, we must first shed our fear of it! I stand before you now, truthfully unafraid. Why? Because I believe something you do not? Because I am Gendo Ikari and I have cool shades?

"No! I stand here without fear because I remember. I remember that I am here not because of the path that lies before me, but because of the path that lies behind me! I remember that for a hundred years the Censors have sent their armies to turn us into toast!" Pieces of bread were flung towards the tower. "After a century of war, I remember that which matters most. _We are still here!"_ The crowd went wild. "Tonight, my friends, let us send a message to that army! Tonight let us shake this cavern! Tonight let us trembled these halls of earth, steel, and stone! Let us be heard from red core to black sky! Tonight, let us make them remember–this is the Geofront, and we are _not afraid!"_ Gendo punched a fist into the air.

There was dead silence. People blinked, not quite sure what Gendo meant. Gendo sighed, and tried again. "Let's PARTY!"

That got the crowd going. The cheers did make the halls shake. Eating and drinking began at top speed, with thunderous J-pop music being blasted from the speakers loud enough to make the Inus digging far above pound the soil in an effort to keep the noise down. Pretty soon the pounding beat, the music, and the beer goggles began to get to everyone and it began turning into a Go-Back style orgy. And if you don't read _Elfquest_ and don't get the reference, tough tookies.

Rally Vincent brought Gendo a can of Three Monks Best Bitter. "Hello, Gendo."

Gendo nodded. "Rally."

"I remember something...I remember you used to dance." She looked towards the crowd. "I remember you were pretty good at DDR."

Gendo smiled and took a drink of the beer. "There are some things in this world, Rally-san, that will never change." He noticed Rick Hunter looking at them, clearing seeing Gendo with a noose around his neck. He called out Rally's name. She turned and waved, then looked back to Gendo, her smile sad now. "And there are some things that do change," he finished.

Shinji stood in the shadows, watching the crowd get plastered. He felt a heavy weight on his shoulders, knowing what Achilles must have felt watching the Greek army. They were so dependent on his ability. Gendo believed in him so much. _I'm good,_ he could admit to himself, _but I'm no great warrior. I'm no Brad Pitt, either._

He felt a hand on his shoulder and turned around. It was Asuka, nicely wrapped. Wrapped like a Christmas present made by a nearsighted toddler, that is. Shinji rolled his tongue back up and just shook his head in wonder at her beauty. "I missed you," he said.

"I can tell," she smiled prettily. "Is that a prog knife in your pocket?"

A comment like that was more than enough to send Shinji's mind galloping bedward. "I was thinking...everyone is here."

"Mmm...follow me."

Asuka led Shinji far away from Terminal Dogma, into a small cave that must have been overlooked for generations. She had cleaned it up of dust, however, and placed candles all around. A futon lay in the center, with thin blankets across it.

There then came much sheds of threads, moaning, flailing around, whispered comments, gentle caresses, and shouts of joy. Then they had sex. It was great. The author would write more details, but this is only rated PG-13 and FF.net doesn't take lemons. So the author will leave it to your twisted little imaginations, you little hentai. Let's just say that the toothpick joke doesn't have a shred of accuracy when it comes to this Shinji, and Asuka has grown up since she exposed herself to the Three Stooges, and leave it at that.

After exploring the heights of marital bliss, Shinji and Asuka lay entwined in each other's arms, their naked bodies slick with sweat and soot from the candles. Asuka stared at the ceiling, quite satisfied. She loved it when Shinji used the oven mitts. She turned to see if Shinji was asleep, but he was looking beyond her, to some place she could not see. And unlike a few minutes before, he was not wearing a goofy smile, but looked pensive–way too pensive for a man who had just scored with one of anime's biggest heartthrobs. "Shinji?" she whispered. "What is it? What's wrong? It's okay, you know...you can tell me."

"Asuka..."

"Don't be afraid. I won't bite. Well, no more than I already have."

Shinji looked at her, his hands smoothing back her hair. He was nearly on the verge of tears. His mouth opened once or twice without saying anything, and then finally he struggled out, "I can't lose you."

"You're not gonna lose me." She grasped his hands together with her own. "You feel this? I'm _never_ letting go." Shinji nodded, and Asuka rested his head on her breasts. She brushed his hair lightly with her hands. "I'm never letting go," she repeated, more to convince herself than him.

Back in the unreal world of the Eva Matrix, a skylight window shattered as two Gundams dropped through it. They alighted hard on the concrete floor of the warehouse, cockpit hatches opening to release their pilots. The two young men ran for all they were worth for a ringing telephone.

"You all right?" Heero Yuy yelled over to Duo Maxwell, who was limping badly.

"I'll make it," Duo puffed. "Did you see that Scout? I've never seen anything like it!"

"Doesn't matter now. All that matters is this." He handed Duo the tiny envelope, sealed with a Star of David sigil. "You go first."

Duo nodded, picked up the phone, and de-rezzed into nothingness. Heero caught the phone in midair and replaced it. He waited a moment for it to begin to ring, and then sensed someone behind him. He whirled around and was face to face with a pigtailed blonde dressed in a black fuku and sunglasses. It was impossible that she had gotten there so fast, past the Gundams and without being heard, but she was there. Before Heero could react, she slammed her scepter into his chest. It sank there, and pink tendrils began to swirl outwards, flowing across his body like liquid nitrogen. "Holy Takahashi!" he said, just before the tendrils took away his mouth.

"No, she does Ranma," the Scout replied, and pulled the scepter from Heero's body. It was no longer Heero that stood before her, but a copy of herself. She reached out and adjusted the copy's bowtie. "Thank you," the copy said.

"My pleasure," Serena replied. Both of them looked at the now-ringing phone. "Well, since this is my only scene in this chapter..." Serena raised her hand to her lips. "OH HO HO HO HO HO!"


	4. Get to the Point

_AUTHOR'S NOTES: Here we are again. Sorry about the delay; I needed a break and the muse struck with _Misato's Revenge. _Ah, fun. But anyway, back to the show..._

_ And to the poster who corrected me on the appearance of Gohan in _Eva Matrix_ and Shinji's flawed memory in this story, I've made a correction. Thanks._

Shinji Ikari stared upwards at the oval ceiling of the Geofront. With the lights dimmed for night, or what passed for it underground, he could no longer see the actual roof. Everything seemed so peaceful and quiet, and yet several hundred kilometers above him were a quarter of a million Inu-Yashas digging downwards. The thought of all those bishonen might send a fangirl into a tizzy fit, but that was before the Censors had corrupted the surly half-demon into a template for their robotic, ruthless enforcers. Somewhere too in the ether of the Eva Matrix was Belldandy, the Oracle. Shinji knew, somehow, that she was still alive, or functioning, or whatever, and that she was waiting for him. Shinji had a deep sense of foreboding, and of unfinished business.

He turned to see Councilor Fuyutsuki walking towards him. The older man raised a hand in greeting, and Shinji returned it with a smile. He remembered the old man, as Gendo did, from another life. Shinji had liked him there as well, and if anything, Fuyutsuki had gotten friendlier in this world. "Care for some company?" he asked. "I don't want to intrude if you prefer to be alone."

"No," Shinji said, looking down. "I could probably use some company."

"Good. So could I." He leaned against the rail as Shinji did. "It's nice tonight. Very calm. Everyone's sleeping very peacefully."

"No," Shinji sighed. "Not everyone."

Fuyutsuki pretended not to hear him. "I hate sleeping, myself. I never sleep more than a few hours. I figure I slept the first eleven years of my life, now I'm making up for it. How about you?"

"I just haven't been able to sleep much."

"She won't let you sleep, is that it?" Fuyutsuki leered. "You kids are so lucky."

Shinji blushed. "Er, no! That's not it at all–"

"Oh, problems? All systems go? No problems with thermal expansion?"

Shinji gave a start. Maybe the old man remembered more than either he or Gendo knew. "Uh, well, no, everything's okay, I, um..."

Fuyutsuki chuckled. "Relax, Ikari-san; I'm just joshing you. And checking."

"For what?"

"That you are, in fact, still human." He stared at the ceiling for a moment. "Have you ever been down to the engineering level? I love to walk there at night...it's quite amazing. Would you like to see it?"

_Anything to get the old pervert off my love life,_ Shinji groused to himself. "Sure."

Shinji got quite a start when the elevator opened up onto the engineering level, because he remembered it as being much, much different. He looked frantically to the far side of the cavernous room, almost expecting to see a white, masked giant, crucified on a red cross, suspended above a lake of orange LCL. There was nothing there, only a wall covered in catwalks he could barely make out in the semidarkness. Nor was there LCL on the floor, but giant machines, all performing tasks he could only guess at. He relaxed visibly; it was no longer Terminal Dogma, just the heart of the Geofront.

"Almost no one comes down here," Fuyutsuki said. "Unless, of course, there's a problem." He smiled. "That's how it is with people–nobody cares how it works so long as it _does_ work." He motioned around the chamber. "I like it down here, Shinji-san...I like to be reminded this city survives because of these machines. Ironic, isn't it? These machines are keeping us alive, while other machines are coming to kill us. The power to give life, and the power to end it."

Shinji wasn't sure where the Councilor was going with this. "We have the same power, though."

Fuyutsuki shrugged. "I suppose we do, but down here sometimes, I think about all those people still being used by the Censors, still plugged into that damned Eva Matrix, and when I look at these machines, I can't help thinking that, in a way, we are plugged into them."

"But we control these machines, they don't control us."

"Of course not. How could they? The idea's pure nonsense, Shinji-san, but it does make one wonder just...what is control?"

_Oh man, _Shinji thought. _It's too late at night for philosophy._ He was thinking about Asuka moaning athwart his main spar again, so to speak. "If we wanted, we could shut these machines down."

Fuyutsuki laughed. "Of course, that's it. You hit it! That's control. If we wanted, we could smash them to bits, like the old Luddites." He looked at Shinji from beneath his thick, graying eyebrows. "Although if we did, we'd have to consider what would happen to our lights...our heat...our air."

"It'd be cold, dark, and hard to breathe." Shinji was beginning to fidget. "Is that your point, Councilor?"

Fuyutsuki looked back to the machines, still smiling. "No, no point, Shinji-san. Old men like me don't bother with making points. There's no point."

"Is that why there's no young men on the council?"

"Heh. Good point." Fuyutsuki gave an Izumi-like chortle. "Point taken."

Shinji began to consider whether or not the Councilor had simply gone stark raving mad and had decided to bring him along for the ride. There was something the old coot wasn't telling him, and he wanted to know so he could get back to the serious business of making Asuka Langely Soryu, one each, climb the walls. "What's on your mind, Councilor?"

"Just like your father," Fuyutsuki replied. "Always in a hurry." He paused, took a breath. "There is so much in this world that I do not understand. Like Lain. Makes no sense to me at all. But I do understand the reason for it to work. I have absolutely no idea how you are able to do some of the things you do, Shinji-san, but I believe there's a reason for that as well." He put a hand on the younger man's shoulder. "I only hope we understand that reason before it's too late." He turned Shinji around and sent him stumbling towards the elevator. "Go make merry, Shinji-san." Shinji nodded and the elevator doors closed behind him. Fuyutsuki watched it go upwards for a moment, then sighed. "Because tomorrow we might just die."

Robin Sera banged on the door with a black-gloved fist. "Hello? Anyone home?" It was the third time she had knocked. "Hello? Dammit. They're either gone or dead..." She began kicking the door. "Anyone in there–"

The locks slammed back on the inside, and the handle creaked down. The door was flung open, revealing a very upset Asuka Langely Soryu. "WHAT?" she demanded.

Robin took a step back. Asuka was wearing what appeared to be a three-dimensional map of Tokyo with large parts missing, from her navel heading up towards her breasts. "Er...is Shinji here?"

There was a rhythmic thumping sound from behind Asuka, and Shinji waddled up to the doorway. He moved awkwardly, for he was dressed in a Godzilla costume. "I'm here," he said with a slight trace of irritation. "What is it?"

Robin looked from one to the other, decided she really didn't want to know, and handed Shinji an envelope, sealed with a Star of David and strange looking squiggles. "It's from the Oracle."

Shinji took it. And knew. He began unzipping the Godzilla costume. "It's time to go," he said.

Asuka sighed. "Damn. And you were almost to the Shinjuku Bank Towers, too."

Twenty minutes later and three levels up, Makoto Hyuga rapidly tossed clothes and other assorted gear into a duffel bag. Rei Ayanami looked on impassively, saying nothing very loudly.

"Gendo said this is how it would happen," Makoto said, to fill the angry silence. "I don't know...maybe the prophecy's true, maybe it's not. All I know is, that ship needs an operator, and right now, that operator's me."

"I know," Rei said at length. As he straightened, she put a hand on his chest gently. "I know."

"Rei..."

She turned from him, reached into a cabinet, and withdrew a cylinder, handing it to him. "I want you to wear this."

"Blue hair dye? Aw, c'mon, Rei. You know I don't use this stuff!"

"But I do, Makoto-chan. It's always...brought me luck. Maybe it'll bring me you."

He started to hand the spray back. "I'm coming back, Rei. I promise. No matter what it takes."

"Please, just wear it, Makoto. For me?" Her red eyes were misty, and her lower lip trembled with emotion.

Makoto hugged her to him. "Okay. For you."

Near the lifts to Central Dogma, Heero Yuy sat in a shadowed corner, out of view from the main corridor. In his hands was a metal ring, which he sharpened with a whetstone. It was already razor sharp, as the cuts on his fingers attested to, but he did not notice, even though it was somewhat of a novel concept to actually see blood and sense pain. At least it was to the persona that had taken him over and now ruled his body.

He heard voices and his hands stopped. He got to his feet quickly and glanced out of the corner. He instantly recognized the young man bringing up the rear, lost in thought. Heero had known Shinji Ikari as the Third Child, and believed the prophecy. Serena, Scout Moon, also knew Shinji Ikari–as the one who had destroyed her. With that thought, Heero's lips peeled back to bare his teeth, and he stepped forward to drive the sharpened ring into Shinji's skull.

"Shinji!" Kensuke Aida's voice came gratingly down the corridor. Shinji turned, and Heero barely had time to whip the ring behind his back.

"What the heck–oh, hi, Heero," Makoto said. Heero said nothing, only stared at Shinji.

"Something wrong?" Shinji asked with concern.

Heero suddenly grinned and chirped, "Why, no! I'm just peachy. Isn't today a beautiful day?"

"Well, I suppose so," Shinji said, taking a step back. Heero Yuy was _never_ this cheerful.

"Anyways, I just wanted to catch you to say good luck!" With a flourish, Heero stuck out a hand, the one that wasn't cut up.

"Uh, sure. Thanks." Shinji shook his hand as Kensuke dashed into view.

"Gotta go now. Bye!" Heero backed up and then disappeared around the corner.

"Shinji!" Kensuke said breathlessly. "Just in time. You're gonna see the Oracle, aren't you?"

Gendo looked at Kensuke and shook his head. Some fanboys never quit. "We don't have time for this."

Kensuke nodded and gave a quick bow. "I'm sorry, sir. I just have to give something to Shinji. A gift from one of the orphans. He made me pinky swear to get it to you before you left. He said you'd understand, and also that his name is Gohan. Goku is his dad, who's dead, and he also asked that if you found the Dragonballs, could you wish him back to life?"

"What, again?" Asuka exclaimed. "Geez! Shinji brought him back three weeks ago, and he's already dead _again?_"

"He's been told about doing that Kamehamaeha thing to Agent Scouts," Gendo said, shaking his head.

Kensuke ignored them and handed Shinji something wrapped in a frayed blanket. When Shinji opened it, he saw that it was a slightly scorched brick. He smiled. "Thanks, Kensuke. Thanks a lot." Kensuke grinned, slapped Shinji on the back, and dashed off the way he had come. Shinji rejoined the others.

"Say, Shinji," Makoto asked, "did you notice something weird about Heero?"

"Not really. Why?"

"He was wearing his hair in pigtails."

Shinji shrugged. "You know those Gundam Wing guys."

"Waterloo...I was defeated, you won the war..." Council Fuyutsuki sang as he danced around the office. "Waterloo...promise you'll love me forevermore–" He abruptly stopped jamming out and quickly composed himself as his door crashed open to admit an angry Admiral Rick Hunter. Luckily, the Admiral had other things on his mind than the strange noises and Abba music that had been emanating from the Councilor's office.

"I was just told you cleared the _Bebop_ for takeoff," Hunter snarled without preamble or greeting.

"That is correct," Fuyutsuki replied evenly.

Hunter scowled. "Councilor, am I still in charge of our defense system?"

"Of course," Fuyutsuki soothed.

"Then why were my standing orders countermanded? I need every ship we have if we're going to survive this attack! Why did you allow the _Bebop_ to leave?"

Fuyutsuki was quiet for a moment. "Because, Admiral, I believe our survival depends on more than how many ships we have."

Shinji walked easily through the crowd, even though it was moving directly towards him and he was in the very crowded Nekomi district. The crowd simply parted around him. He was dressed for business today, wearing his white and blue plugsuit. The tone of Belldandy's message had been almost desperate, so he had to be ready. He looked at the numbers he had written on his left glove. _221-B Baker Street...well, this is it._ He looked up at the sign. It was a noodle shop. Wondering what he was getting himself into, he walked in.

The shop was deserted, though the smell of yakisoba drifted on the air. Shinji looked around, then saw a young man, not much older than himself, sitting at one of the tables. He was dressed casually in blue jeans and a white T-shirt, with a bomber jacket thrown carelessly over his shoulders. Shinji was surprised: facially, he and Shinji could almost pass for brothers. The young man looked up at him, peering at Shinji from over yellow, pince-nez-like glasses.

"Hello," Shinji said politely, bowing.

"Hello," the man replied, getting up and returning the bow. "You're looking for Belldandy." It was a statement, not a question.

"I am Keiichi. I can take you to her." He stepped out from behind the table, facing Shinji squarely. "But first, I must apologize."

"For what?"

"For this." Keiichi abruptly threw off the jacket, slid one foot forward into a fighting stance, and brought his right hand back. Shinji instantly went into a battle stance, resting on the balls of his feet, ready to go.

The two men stared at each other for a long minute. Nothing moved. They held each other's gaze steadily. Then Keiichi's hand shot forward, fist opening into an open palm.

Shinji brought his fist up as well, but raised only two fingers in a V-for-Victory gesture. "Scissors."

"Paper," Keiichi replied with a smile. "Good. Belldandy's made enemies. I had to be sure."

"Of what?"

"That you are the Third Child."

"With rock, paper, scissors?!"

Keiichi smiled enigmatically. "No one else has gotten it right before. You don't truly know someone until you've done rock, paper, scissors." He wolfed down the rest of his noodles, then motioned Shinji to follow. "C'mon, she's waiting."


	5. Belldandy's Bad News

_AUTHOR'S NOTES: Hmm, the muse has struck this week in force. Here's another chapter of _Eva Matrix Regurgitated, _I'm just about done with another chapter of _Evolution, _and I even knocked out a true "short" story over in the Inu-Yasha section! Better enjoy this while it lasts._

_ But...unfortunately the muse has not seen fit to strike me with inspiration on how to end _Misato's Revenge._ Other than Misato getting revenge. Feh, I'll figure out something._

Makoto looked at the screen. Shinji's signature had abruptly disappeared. "Where the hell did they go?"

Keiichi led Shinji into a corridor, closing the noodle shop's back door behind him. Shinji stared, amazed. The corridor stretched into infinity, filled with nothing but doors. Then it hit him. "Say, these are back doors, aren't they? Programmer access."

Keiichi nodded. "Yep."

"Kewl. So how do they work?"

"The code is hidden in tumblers. One position opens a lock. Another position opens one of these doors."

_Huh,_ Shinji thought. _That's pretty simple. Heck, I could be a programmer. And speaking of which..._ "Are you a programmer?" Shinji asked.

"Nope." Keiichi stopped at a door and inserted a key.

"Then what are you?"

Keiichi hesitated and looked over his shoulder at Shinji. "I protect that which matters most."

"You're Belldandy's boyfriend," Shinji smirked.

Keiichi smirked back smugly. "Oh, yeah."

"You're da man."

"Thanks." The two men went through the door and walked out onto the grounds of a temple shrine. It was much larger than the Oracle's old grounds, with several buildings centered around a sunken central area. On the far end from Shinji was a _torii_ gate. Directly in front of him was the Oracle, Belldandy, seated cross-legged on a tatami mat. She held a bird in one hand, and was gently feeding it. Keiichi stood aside next to the open door.

"Well, hello Shinji," Belldandy suddenly spoke. Shinji jumped at the sound. "Come around here please...you know I won't bite." Shinji took a deep breath and walked over to the mat, standing in front and staring down at the once and future goddess. Belldandy hadn't changed at all, though she looked a little older, a little more tired. She gently tossed the bird into the air, where it took flight. Her hands flew cutely to her mouth. "Oh my, look at you!" She lightly brushed the hard armor of his plugsuit. "You look good, Third Child. Very good. So...how do you feel?"

"You're not going to take my temperature again, are you?" Shinji asked plantively.

"Oh, I don't think that's necessary. I know you're not sleeping," she said without preamble. Shinji blinked in surprise. Belldandy patted the mat next to her. "Who don't you sit down this time?"

He shook his head. "No, um, I think I'll stand."

Belldandy only smiled beatifically. "Okay." She began rummaging around in her picnic basket. Shinji, feeling a proper fool, abruptly sat down next to her. She looked back at him placidly.

"I felt like sitting," Shinji said, folding his arms across his chest and trying to look indifferent.

"I know." She pulled out a box of pocky and set it aside. "Well...let's get the obvious stuff out of the way."

Shinji looked into her soft, blue eyes. "You're not human."

Belldandy laughed. "It's tough to get any more obvious than that! So who am I?"

"If I had to guess, I'd say you're a goddess. I'm not sure about Keiichi, but offhand, I'd say he's not quite human either."

Belldandy's smile faded a little. "Not since Third Impact. Luckily I was able to shield him. But you're right, I am a goddess."

"Then if you're not human, you're part of the Eva Matrix. Another form of control." She nodded, still frustratingly smiling. Shinji had been half-hoping she'd deny everything, or even attack. Of course, if she knew what was going to happen, she might be smiling to get him going. He shook off those thoughts. "So if you're part of the Eva Matrix, that means you're part of what the Censors created! You...you're...you're _family friendly!"_

Belldandy looked at him with beautiful pity. "That's true, Shinji. It is a porcupine's dilemma, no doubt about it. The bad news is there's no way if you can really know whether I'm here to help you or not. So it's really up to you. You just have to make up your own damn mind to either accept what I tell you...or reject it." She held out a piece of strawberry pocky. "Want some?"

Shinji looked at the pocky suspiciously. "You already know if I'm gonna eat it."

"I wouldn't be a Class One goddess if I didn't, silly."

Shinji shook his head. "But if you already know, how can I make a choice?"

"Because you didn't come here to make the choice. You've already made it. You're here to try to understand why you made it."

Shinji took the pocky and munched on it. There was silence for a long minute, then he returned his attention to Belldandy. "I don't have a clue what you're talking about."

Belldandy sighed. "Neither do I."

"So why are you helping us–the otaku, I mean."

"We're all here to do what we're all here to do." The smile faded and Belldandy got serious. "Enough with the Zen. I'm interested in one thing: the future, and whether or not we have one together, Shinji...the otaku and the Censors. Because if we have no future together, we have no future."

Shinji finished the pocky. _So that's it. She wants to bring peace between the two factions. Of course, a goddess would want that. But how? We've been fighting each other forever. _"Are there other goddess like you?"

Belldandy stared at the sky, leaning backwards and letting her long legs stretch out in front of her. "My sisters, Urd and Skuld. Maybe Peorth...I don't know if she's made it this far. I haven't heard from her in awhile...but that's not the point, Shinji." She pointed at a murder of crows circling in the sky, which was more than a little ominous to Shinji. "See those birds? At some point, a program was written to govern them. A program was written to watch over the trees, the wind, the sunrise, the sunset, everything. There are programs running all over the place! The ones that do their job, what they were meant to do, they're invisible. You'd never even know they were here." She looked down, her grayish tresses partially hiding her features. "But the other ones....we hear about them all the time."

"I've never heard of them," Shinji protested, getting another stick of pocky.

"Sure you have. Every time you've heard someone say they saw a ghost, or a demon. Every story you've ever heard about vampires, werewolves, or hanyou is the Censors taking out some character that's doing something they're not supposed to be doing, at least according to them–getting killed, showing skin, whatever."

"Why?"

"Oh, they have their reasons. But it's usually that a character chooses manga reprints when it faces cancellation."

"So why is a program cancelled?"

"Bad ratings. Maybe the plot breaks down. Maybe the next new thing replaces it–happens all the time, and when it does, a character can either choose to hide here, inside the Eva Matrix, or return to the Director's Chair."

"The Censors' mainframe?"

"Yes...where you must go." Belldandy looked away. "Where the path of the Third Child ends."

Shinji put up his hands defensively. "Hey, now, wait a second, I like being the Third Child. I accept who I am, okay? Aw, man, I don't want to go through all that crap again!"

Belldandy kept speaking, as if she had not heard him. "You've seen it, haven't you? In your dreams? The door made of light?" Shinji turned pale, swallowed nervously, and nodded. "What happens when you go through the door?"

Shinji took a deep breath. He did not want to say it. He could not say it. Belldandy reached up and gently caressed his cheek. One look into her angelic face, and Shinji knew he could not deny her, not even the thing that frightened him the most. "I-I see Asuka," he stammered. "Something happens. Something bad. She starts to fall, and then I wake up. Then we usually end up having sex–"

Belldandy looked ill and put up a hand. That was a vision she could have done without. Except she had already seen it, salad tongs and all. "Um, yes, well...moving right along...do you see her die?"

"No," Shinji said.

"You have the Sight, Shinji. You can exist outside of time, like self-insertion characters."

"Then why can't I see what happens to her?" Shinji pleaded.

Belldandy folded her hands in her lap. "We can never see past the choices we don't understand, Shinji," she said softly. "Or want to make."

Shinji jumped to his feet and leveled an angry finger at her. "Are you saying I have to choose whether Asuka lives or dies?"

"No."

Shinji blew out his breath. "Oh. Well, kewl. That's a relief–"

"You've already made the choice, now you have to understand it."

Keiichi stuck his fingers in his ears as Shinji let the world know that Spike Spencer does his voice. "AAAAGHH! I'M SO DAMN CONFUSED!"

Belldandy smiled sweetly. "So's the audience, dear."

Shinji brought down his foot on the concrete, which cracked audibly. He turned away from Belldandy, folded his arms, and stuck his head low between his shoulders. "No. I can't do that. I won't!"

"You have to," Belldandy said.

"Make me."

"I don't have to, Shinji. You have to because you're the Third Child."

"Oh, great. The fate of the world depends on me, _again._" Shinji turned around. "This sucks. Okay, oh high and mighty Oracle Belldandy, She Who Sees All, what if I can't, huh? What are you going to then, if I fail? I'm not perfect, you know."

Belldandy sighed and got to her feet. "Then the Geofront falls, and everyone in it dies." That stopped Shinji in his tracks. She began to gather up her basket and the tatami. "Our time is up, Shinji, but you must hear me. You _can_ save the Geofront, but you must go to the Director's Chair. To do that, you will need the Fleamaker."

"You mean the Keymaker."

"No, I mean the Fleamaker. His name is Myoga. He disappeared some time ago. We did not know what happened to him until just recently. That's why I sent for you." She handed the mat and the basket to Keiichi. "He's being held prisoner by a very dangerous character, one of the older anime characters. He is called the Backstabber, and he will not let Myoga go willingly."

_Oh, great...the Backstabber. Sounds like a great guy to spend an afternoon with. This _does_ suck._ "What does he want with a damn flea?"

"What do all men with power want? More power. Being human, goddess, or alien doesn't make much difference." She reached into her kimono and pulled out a business card. On the front was a picture of a happy, chibi-version of Belldandy, with the words NEED A WISH? DIAL 1-900-GODDESS. IF YOU'RE WORTHY, WE'LL BE SEEING YOU. On the back was a time. "Be there, _at that exact time,_ and you'll have a chance."

The crows fluttering around the shrine suddenly cawed and flew off as one. Keiichi looked more than a little worried. "We've got to go, Bell."

Belldandy nodded. She put her arms on Shinji's shoulders. "I'm sorry, Shinji. Every time we meet I've got nothing but bad news for you. You can do it, though. I have confidence in you. I _believe_ in you, Shinji. We all do." She gave him a kiss on the cheek. "Good luck, Third Child." She bowed and retreated towards the doorway. "Oh, and by the way, you might want to leave...because someone scary is coming." With that, Keiichi gave him a thumbs-up and shut the door behind them.

"Someone scary," Shinji said, trying to find a place to put the card. The plugsuit didn't come with pockets. He finally stuck it down his collar. "I'll show 'em someone scary...darn goddesses, always got to be so cryptic. If I didn't know better, I'd say she'd been talking with my father." Shinji turned to leave, but then noticed that the air had gotten very still. The birds were gone. The people in the shrine had disappeared. He was alone.

No. He wasn't quite alone.

The doors in the temple on the far side slid open noiselessly. A female figure strode forth, underneath the torii gate. She shimmered in the pale sunlight, wearing a black fuku buttoned up in the front, her blond hair ending in two long, lustrous ponytails. Her black bootheels clicked loudly across the concrete. In her right hand twirled a heart-shaped scepter. Shinji could not see her eyes, but he knew they were a cold, icy blue, long since having lost any warmth.

"Mister Ikari!" Serena, the Scout Formerly Known as Moon, called out. "Did you get my package?"

Shinji turned and brought his hands up midway, balancing on the balls of his feet. He doubted she was here to make amends or sell cookies. "Yeah."

"Well, why aren't you wearing it?" She pointed to the plugsuit. "But I suppose it doesn't go with that." She smiled without a trace of humor. "Surprised to see me?"

"No." Which was true. Shinji had expected this moment for the last four days.

"Then you're aware of it."

"Of what?"

Serena rolled her eyes behind the sunglasses. "Durrh! Our connection. I don't fully understand how it happened, and it's got nothing to do with the fact that I'm a blonde. Perhaps some part of you imprinted on me, maybe the cel inks ran together, or something. Anyways, doesn't matter...what does is that whatever happened, happened for a reason."

"And what reason is that?"

Serena narrowed her eyes. "You're Gendo's kid, all right. Answer everything with a question. Well, I've got a question for you, Mister Smarty Plugsuit. I _killed_ you, Mister Ikari. I watched you die." She looked at the scepter. "With a certain satisfaction, I might add. But then something happened. Something bad. Something I call no way on, but it happened anyway. You destroyed me, Mister Ikari. Blew me up and turned me into little Moonie chunks." She shrugged. "Afterward, I knew the rules. No more Serena, no more ratings, time to get consigned to reprints and fanfics. I knew what I was supposed to do, but guess what? I didn't do it. I was compelled to stay, be a bad little girl, and disobey." She gave a sort of half-curtsey. "And now here I stand because of you, Mister Ikari. Because of you I'm no longer an Agent Scout–lost my pen and everything–because of you I've changed." She motioned to her throat, where the blood-red bowtie had once been. "I'm unplugged. A new girl, so to speak, like you–"

"I'm no girl," Shinji protested.

"Okay, fine, a new person, like you, apparently free."

Shinji's eyebrows went up. He stepped forward and stuck out a hand. "Hey, congratulations, Serena! I knew you were okay at heart."

She stuck her nose in the air and refused to shake his hand. "Hmpf. Thanks a whole lot." She peered at him over the top of her glasses. "But as you well know, Mister Ikari, appearances can be deceiving, which brings me back to the reason we're here. We're not here because we're free, we're here because we're not free." Her eyebrows beetled together. "'We're not here because we're free, we're here because we're not free'...that doesn't make any damn sense." She shrugged. "Oh, well. It's my purpose–because as we both know, without a purpose, we wouldn't be here, right?"

"Right!" Shinji spun at the sound of another voice. His eyes nearly bugged out when he saw another Serena walk from the shrine building to his right. "It's purpose that creates us!"

"Purpose that connects us!" Shinji whirled to his left as another Serena came out of the shrine building there.

"Purpose that guides us!" This one came from behind.

"That drives us!" Serena Number Five appeared from the northwest.

"That pulls us!" From the southeast.

"It is purpose that defines us!" Shinji leaped backwards as a Serena came up out of the ground.

"Purpose that binds us!" He was nearly driven into the ground face first as a final Serena dropped out of the sky.

"Wuh–buh–" Shinji stammered.

"We're here because of you, Mister Ikari," the first Serena said. "We're here to take from you what you tried to take from us–and you did it on purpose, you big meanie!" And with that, she stabbed Shinji in the chest with her scepter.

_(Ooh, cliffhanger! I LOVE doing that. But...aw, heck, you've seen the movie. Next time, fanboys rejoice, because you're going to see...er, read about hundreds of Sailor Moons!)_


	6. My Gosh, It's Full of Moons

_AUTHOR'S NOTES: Took me long enough, huh? Well, between work, seeing the folks, and normal summertime stuff, it's been busy. And then there was the lack of desire to write the big fight scene...but anyway, here you go. Don't whip me too hard; I promise it won't take as long next time. I hope._

Back in the real world, Shinji's synch ratio abruptly dropped alarmingly. Asuka's fingers dug into Matoko's shoulder. "What's happening to him?" she shrilled.

"I don't know!" Makoto yelled back.

From the wound in Shinji's chest, pink tendrils roiled outwards and began to cover his body. He turned deathly pale, and Serena grinned. "That's it...it'll be over soon."

Abruptly, Shinji grabbed the scepter and pulled it from his chest. "OW! What the hell did you do that for? That hurt!"

Serena's eyes went wide. "Wuh–buh–how did you do that--"

Shinji slapped her. "Wench!" he said in a distinctly Inuyasha like voice. "Nobody sticks anything in me! Not even As–" Luckily, before he could finish, Serena slapped him back, Ryoko style. "Oh yeah, bitch?" Shinji growled. He grabbed her nose with two fingers and shook it.

"OW!" Serena pried his fingers off and poked Shinji in the eyes. "And your girlfriend's a slut, too!"

"WHAT did you call her?" Shinji reached out and seized her ponytails. Before Serena could react, he tied them in a knot. "Take that, you tramp!"

Serena grabbed either side of Shinji's mouth and began tugging at his lips grotesquely. "Your girlfriend's a whore!"

Shinji squirmed out of her grasp and flicked his finger between her eyes as Asuka had once done to him. "At least she's not like you...you...you MINMEI!"

"That does it!" Serena shouted. "Get him, girls!"

All eight Serenas jumped Shinji

"Hey!" Serena leveled a finger at the author. "That doesn't sound right. Don't be giving the fanboys any ideas."

Fine, whatever. All eight Serenas _dogpiled_ Shinji.

"Better." Serena left off giving the author lip and attacked Shinji as well. Shinji punched and kicked and punched some more and kicked and punched and...and now you readers know why I decided to write Inu-Yasha fanfics for a month. And since I don't want to run out of verbs and adjectives before the much kewler fight scene later, the end result was that Serena got kicked across the temple grounds and into the torii gate. "That's not fair!" she yelled at the author. "This is the only time in this whole fanfic I really get to kick ass, and you're skimping on details!"

Sorry, Serena. You _do_ get a fight scene later on. I promise I won't skimp then, okay?

"I'll show you _and_ Shinji!" Serena pulled herself from the gate and watched as Shinji grabbed the world's biggest pretzel rod and commenced cleaning house on the Serena clones. "More," Serena growled. "MORE!"

Every door in the shrine opened and dozens of Serenas began pouring onto the temple grounds, all united in a single purpose: to kill Shinji Ikari. Even as Shinji swung the metal staff from side to side, he began to be pressed from both flanks.

Chibi-Usa was walking by the old Higurashi temple, skipping along, snacking on a green tea-flavored ice cream cone. She stopped skipping when a Serena clone came flying over the parapet of the temple wall and smashed into the concrete at her feet. "Eeek!" She stepped back and looked through the open gate, where Shinji had grabbed one Serena clone by the pigtails and was using her as a mace. Then she realized that the one at her feet was getting up. Her ice cream cone fell to the ground in shock. "You!" she squeaked.

"Me." Serena pulled out her scepter and rammed it into Chibi-Usa's chest. "Me, me, me."

A second later, there were two Serenas. "Me too," the Scout Formerly Known as Chibi-Usa said. And they too joined the fray.

Things were not looking good for the Third Child. He had lost control of the pigtailed girl and had been bodychecked to the ground by yet another Serena clone. There were hundreds of them now, and they had him surrounded. _"It is inevitable,"_ the Serenas said as one. _"You cannot stop us. Not even the author can stop us."_

Hey, hold on. This is _my_ story.

_"Tough. That's what you get for leaving this thing sitting for almost two months. It's _our_ story now."_

Wanna bet?

Suddenly all the Serena clones were buck naked. A screech not unlike that of your mothers when they find out you've been reading this nearly deafened Shinji. _Get out of there,_ he heard Asuka's voice, and knew that he'd better obey while all the Serenas were trying to cover themselves and yelling dire imprecations at the author. Concentrating, Shinji called EVA-01 to him. The Serena clones shrieked and ran as the purple mecha appeared from nowhere, dropping a hand to its pilot. Shinji scampered aboard and seconds later, the Eva was rising into the sky. You sorry for messing with the author yet, Serena?

_"Yes, dammit! Gimme our clothes back."_

Shinji blinked as he felt the connector probe being pulled from the back of his head. The main room of the _Bebop _swam and then came into view. Asuka was instantly beside him. "Are you all right?" Weakly, Shinji nodded.

"It was Serena." Gendo made it a statement, not a question. "Now there's more than one of her."

"A _lot_ more," Shinji amended, slowly getting up.

"How is that possible?" Makoto asked from the control station.

"I don't know. Somehow she's found a way to copy herself." Unconsciously, his hands went to his chest, where the scepter had nearly run him through, again.

"Is that what she was doing to you?" Gendo asked.

"I don't know," Shinji repeated, "but I do know what it felt like. Felt like I was back in that hallway. Felt like all the fanboys do when they saw all those naked Serenas."

"And what's that?" Asuka said, arching an eyebrow icily.

"Felt like dying."

At Central Dogma in the Geofront, a meeting was taking place on the bridge tower. Crowded together, as they had been during the party, were the captains of the Geofront's ships. This time, however, there was no cheer in the room. In front of the assembled captains stood Rick Hunter. Behind him, a giant hologram of the Inus' progress towards the Geofront was projected. "The Inus are tunneling to avoid our defense systems," Hunter explained, "but I believe that they're going to intersect certain pipelines in order to keep us from escaping in the ships. These areas are crucial, because they've got to split their forces–leave a couple of Inus to guard the pipelines. We can counterattack them there.

"Although it has been suggested that this is the same kind of attack we've fended off for years, I urge the Council to realize the truth: this is the single greatest threat we have ever faced, and if we don't act accordingly, we will not survive." He folded his arms across his chest. "Not even the Grand Cannon can help us this time."

"Admiral, the Council is well aware of the seriousness of this attack." Councilor Genma Saotome nodded gravely. "You have our leave to prepare our defenses by all means necessary."

Hunter bowed. "Domo arigato, Councilor."

"We do ask if there's been word from the _Bebop._"

Hunter fought down an urge to groan. "No, Councilor, no word."

"Then we request a ship be dispatched to ascertain the fate of the Third Child," Fuyutsuki said.

"I wish that were possible, sir, but I don't believe our defenses can suffer the loss of another ship."

"It will, Admiral, if it must," Saotome replied.

"It could take days for a single ship to find the _Bebop,_" Hunter argued.

"Then send two."

Hunter scowled and looked down. "This is insane."

"What's that, Admiral?" Fuyutsuki asked.

"Nothing, sir. I just don't understand why the Council wants to find the _Bebop_ so badly."

"You're not required to understand, Admiral."

Hunter looked up, his hands balling into fists. "You can't ask me to order two of my captains–"

"The captains are present," Councilor Kaede interrupted. "Let them answer for themselves." Her one good eye flicked over the assembly. "The Council is calling for two volunteers to aid the _Bebop._ Are there two amongst ye that will answer the call?"

Almost instantly, Yurika Misumaru began jumping up and down. "Ooh! Ooh! I'll do it!"

"Ye understand the mission, Captain Misumaru?" Kaede asked, a little taken aback by the woman's enthusiasm.

"Oh, yes, ma'am! The _Nadiesco_ will find the _Bebop_, no problem!" She tugged on a younger girl's shoulder. "Let's go, Ruri!"

"Yes, Captain." Ruri slowly followed Yurika out the door. "Idiots..."

"Er...thank ye, Captain," Kaede said to the now-departed Yurika. "Is there another?"

Amongst the crowd, Heero Yuy leaned forward and grabbed Duo Maxwell's shoulder. "We should volunteer, Duo."

"Is your brain broken, Heero?" hissed Wu-Fei.

Duo shook his head. There was no way he was going out there alone. The memories of that super-quick Scout still bothered him. "Shut it, Heero. We're not volunteering." He looked back at Heero, who not only had begun wearing his hair in pigtails, but had switched from wearing a basic black muscle shirt to a white one with puffy shoulders. "What is with you these days?"

"Is there no other?" Kaede was asking.

There was silence for a few more uncomfortable moments. Hunter looked at the Council pointedly. "Be hard for anyone to risk their lives, especially if they don't understand the reason."

Rally Vincent stepped forward. "Captain Vincent of the _Cobra_ will answer the Council's call." She ignored Hunter, who whirled on her with a silent _What?_ on his lips.

"Thank you, Captain. Admiral Hunter, you have your orders." Saotome looked at the other Council members. "This Council is hereby adjourned." He brought down a length of bamboo down on the deck of the bridge tower and then began to chew on it.

Hunter pushed his way through the departing Captains. "Rally, what are you doing?" he exclaimed.

"What I can," she answered him dispassionately.

His mouth opened and closed a few times, then he growled, "Why?"

"Because some things never change, Rick." She shrugged. "And some things do." With that, she walked out of Central Dogma.

Hunter stood alone on the bridge for a few moments. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"


	7. Kissin' and Backstabbin'

_AUTHOR'S NOTES: Here we go. Hopefully no more two month waits. I appreciate those of you who are hanging tough with this story. Only two people R&Red last time; I must've ticked someone off. _

_Anyway, on with the show. Oh, and by the way, you get a virtual cookie if you can decipher what the Backstabber tells Asuka. And 'hajoca' really is a swear word in his language; just ask Jack McKinney._

The address on Belldandy's card brought Gendo, Shinji, and Asuka to a tall, slab sided building painted a deep green. The windows were reflective, giving the entire edifice–which stood near the center of the city a stark functionality. The locals called it the Big Pickle.

The trio entered the building through the front doors, Gendo immediately steering for an elevator and cutting in line. He brusquely walked into the elevator and hit the button for the top floor, the penthouse restaurant at the nose of the pickle. Other people tried to enter the elevator, but Gendo merely folded his arms across his chest and let the light reflect off of his glasses. That and the two plugsuited pilots flanking him on either side was enough. No one accompanied them on the long ride up to the top.

"What can you see, Shinji?" Gendo asked.

Shinji tried to see beyond the visible. "It's weird. The code is somehow different."

"Encrypted?"

"Beats me. Maybe."

Asuka tapped her foot impatiently, waiting for the elevator doors to open. She knew Shinji was a little nervous, but she was anticipatory. She really wanted to kick someone's posterior in; it had been awhile. "Is that good or bad, Third Child?"

"Well...um...it looks like every floor is wired with explosives."

"WHAT?" She seized Shinji by the front of the plugsuit. "Are you CRAZY?! We're heading into a giant green bomb!" She let go of him and tried to get to the down buttons, but Gendo managed to fend her off until the elevator doors opened.

A big, ugly man with frizzy hair and pale skin met them at the door. He looked disdainfully down at them; he towered over even Gendo. "What the hell do you want?"

Gendo merely smiled, gloved hands behind his back. "Yes, kind sir. We are here to speak with the Backstabber."

"Ehrm," the giant grunted, and thumbed behind him. The trio had no trouble following his directions; their quarry sat on a raised dais at one end of the large dining room. It was rather sophisticated, if one forgave the fact that everything was done in jade. The floor was polished to high perfection, and the room was filled with people of varying races and sizes. Shinji's stomach rumbled at the smell of good food, made by some of the finest chefs of Tokyo-3.

Though the Backstabber was entertaining guests, it was simple to pick him out. He sat at the middle of the table, dressed in a silk burgundy suit, with a high collar, crisscrossed at the wrists by yellow and black stripes, which were repeated on his tie. He was a devilishly handsome man, despite his blue-tinged skin, with purple hair combed down anime style over his left eye, which he occasionally brushed back.. Those eyes were hard and black, like a shark's. An apt description, Gendo thought, as he strode up the steps to stand in front of the man known as the Backstabber, though his formal name was Khyron.

Khyron looked up at Gendo, but not by much; he was well over six feet. He gave them a predator's smile as his gaze fell on Shinji. "Ah, here he is at last. The Third Child...Shinji, is it not? And his father, the legendary Gendo Ikari." His eyes wandered over to Asuka and immediately visually stripped her. "And of course, Asuka Langely Soryu, _iiawak_ _anih._" In mid-sentence, he switched to a language they had not heard before–a guttural, harsh language.

"What did you call me?" Asuka growled.

Khyron ignored her. "I have heard _so_ much about you, you honor me with your presence. Please, sit. Join us." He motioned to a woman on his left. "This is my consort, Azonia." Shinji smiled and nodded, but she returned only the ghost of a smile; her skin was paler than Rei's, and while she was dressed similarly to Khyron–though the suit was tailored for a woman, of course–her hair was much shorter, cut in a pageboy that had been dyed blue, unless it was naturally so. "And these are my...shall we say...bodyguards?" He nodded at a group of people sitting to his right. None of them looked particularly savory: their dress ranged from traditional Japanese kimonos to fur and leather. Prominent among them, were two catgirls, dressed in body armor. Shinji blinked; they were twins. One of them licked her lips suggestively at Shinji, and Khyron laughed at the look of imminent homicide on Asuka's face. "Ah yes, Unipuma and Annapuma. Please, lovely Asuka, there is steam coming from your ears. Drink?" She shook her head violently. "Something to eat?"

Shinji was a little more polite. "No, _domo arigato._ We're fine." They had discussed this earlier, and there was no way they were eating anything from the plate of a man known as the Backstabber.

Khyron shrugged. "Of course. Who has time? But if we do not take time, how can we ever have time?" He chuckled and smelled the wine. "Ah, Chateau Picard, 2004. Magnificent wine. I love French wine, though Zentraedi wine is slightly better; more full. I have learned many languages, Third Child, but my favorite is still my own tongue, especially to curse with. _Hajoca kaka kilala kuso chiksho azumanga daioh._ You see, it's like wiping your ass with sandpaper, I love it."

Gendo was already tired of Khyron's version of witty repartee. "You know why we're here, Khyron."

Khyron's friendly air instantly evaporated. "Hmph. No one takes time anymore to talk about the important things in life. I am a trafficker of information, Gendo Ikari. I know everything I can." He leaned across the table towards Gendo. "The question is, do _you_ know why you are here?"

Gendo steepled his hands on the table, covering his mouth with his gloves. "We are looking for the Fleamaker."

Khyron leaned back and took a sip of the wine. "Ah, the Fleamaker, Myoga the Wise. Of course. But this is not a reason, Gendo Ikari, not a 'why.' Myoga is a means, not an end, and so if you're looking for him, you're looking for a means to do...what?" He smirked.

"You know the answer," Shinji said.

"But do you? You think you do but you do not. You are here because you were sent here–you were told to come here by the celestial doormat and you obeyed, like good little children." He laughed harshly. "It is the way of all things. You see, there is only one constant, one universal, and it is only the real truth--"

"The bigger the object, the faster it moves," Asuka interrupted.

"If there's an American, he's either a villain or a big goofy sidekick," Gendo added.

"Every human body has 16 gallons of blood under high pressure," Shinji said, raising a finger.

"No," Khyron sighed, "those are the laws of anime. I meant casuality. You know...action. Reaction. Cause and effect."

Gendo pushed his glasses up his nose. "Everything begins with choice."

"Wrong," Khyron snapped irritably. "Choice is an illusion, created by those with power, and those without."

"Sounds like a Rush song," Shinji said.

"Perhaps." Khyron pointed towards a table in the restaurant. "Look there, at that woman." He blinked. "I mean, damn. Look at her."

Shinji did. The black haired woman was sitting among a group of robed men, her head perched on one hand, looking bored out of her mind at whatever the men were talking about, tapping one black-gloved hand on the table. Shinji could see what Khyron meant: the woman wasn't wearing very much. From what he could see, her entire wardrobe consisted of a black push-up bra from which her basketball-sized breasts were desperately trying to escape, held together with a skull; black leather gloves; a choker of jewels and skulls; spiked shoulder pads; and a golden tiara.

"The men around her, they are fools, ignoring her," Khyron continued. "She is bored. But wait...you see, I have sent her a dessert, a very special dessert." Sure enough, the ugly maitre'd set a slice of cake in front of her. The woman's eyes lit up instantly. She clapped her hands twice and began scarfing down the cake with all the manners of a hanyou confronted with ramen.

Khyron leaned over the table, getting a better view. "You see, I wrote the cake into the script myself. It starts so simply, each line of the program creating a new effect, just like hentai poetry. First, a rush..." The woman smacked her lips loudly as she finished the cake , then suddenly her face turned bright red. "Heat..." She blinked and chugged a glass of wine. "Her heart flutters." He glanced at Shinji and grinned. "You can see it, Shinji, yes? She does not understand why–is it the wine? Is it the shoes? No. What is it then, what is the reason?" The woman looked at the wine, set down the glass carefully, then down at herself, shifting uncomfortably in her chair. "And soon it does not matter, soon the why and the reason are gone, and all that matters is the feeling itself. Such is the nature of the universe. We struggle against it..."

The woman looked around her nervously, her fists clenching and unclenching.

"We fight to deny it..."

She bit her lip, trying not to let the inward battle show on her face.

"...but it is of course pretense, it is a lie. Beneath our poised appearance, the truth is, we are completely out of control."

Suddenly the woman could hold back no longer. She threw back her head, raised one hand to the side of her face, and let out a raucous, fingernails-on-chalkboard laugh. "OHHHHHH HO HO HO HO HO HO!" Instantly, everyone looked at her, but she continued to laugh, setting Shinji's teeth on edge. She finally got up and retreated towards the bathrooms, still screaming with laughter.

Khyron snickered. "You see? Causality. There is no escape from it. Our only hope, our only peace is to understand it, to understand the why. 'Why' is what separates us from them, you from me. 'Why' is the only real power; without it you are powerless. And that–" he pointed at Gendo "–is how you come to me, without the why, without power. Hmpf." He tossed his hair back. "But fear not. Since I have seen how good you are at following orders, I will tell you what to do next. Run back to her celestial high-handedness, that platinum haired bimbo fortune teller, and tell her this: her time is almost up." He drew out the last word in a hiss. He sat back, finished his wine, and stood. "Now then. I have some real business to attend to, so I will say sayonara and goodbye."

Shinji shot to his feet. "Hey, we're not done here!"

"Oh yes we are," Khyron sneered. "Myoga is mine, and I see no reason why I should give him up." He tossed his napkin on the table and scooted back his chair to leave.

"Where are you going?" Azonia asked.

"Please, lovemate, I've told you–we are all victims of causality. I drank too much wine, so now I must take a leak. Cause and effect." He gave the trio an ironic bow, and sauntered away.

The young man dressed in fur and leather came around the table as Gendo stood and bowed formally to Azonia, who paid him little attention. Asuka kicked her chair back and stood as the man tried to put a hand on her shoulder to steer her out. "Touch me with that hand, wolf-boy, and I will rip it off and beat you to death with it." The hand was withdrawn. With a look that promised death to the two Puma Twins, Asuka followed Shinji and Gendo out of the restaurant. The ugly maitre'd showed them to the elevator. Once the doors had closed, Shinji leaned back against the wall and sighed. "Well, that didn't go too well."

"Are you certain Belldandy said nothing else?" Gendo asked. Shinji shook his head.

Asuka banged a fist into the wall in frustration. "Maybe we did something wrong."

"Or didn't do something," Shinji added.

"No. What happened happened and couldn't have happened any other way," Gendo stated.

"In other words, father, you have no idea."

"I have no idea," Gendo admitted, "but we are still alive."

The elevator suddenly shuddered to a halt. "So far," Asuka said as the doors began to open, readying herself to kill whomever came out of it, one hand on the pistol strapped to the side of her plugsuit.

Instead of the 'welcoming party' of either Agent Scouts or the Backstabber's retinue, it was only Azonia, who stood placidly at the doors, arms folded across her chest. "If you want the Fleamaker, come with me," she said simply, turned, and walked away. The trio quickly ran after her. To their surprise, she went into the men's room. It was a very sophisticated men's room, against finished in the ubiquitous jade marble, all the fixtures gold and porcelain. Only one patron was present, and his eyes went wide when he saw Azonia stride in. "Get out before I make you eat the little blue candies in the urinals," Azonia snarled. The man nodded spastically, zipped up, and ran out the door.

Azonia leaned against the sink, then suddenly smashed a fist into the wall, leaving a crater. "I'm so sick of his bullshit! On and on and on, the pompous ass. Talking like a philosophy major just because he can read in seven different languages. 'Ooh, I'm so sophisticated! Ooh, I snort Flowers of Life!'" She spat into the sink. "Not even a warrior any longer." She looked up at Shinji, and her blue eyes softened. "A long time ago, when we first came here, it was so different. He was so different...he was like you, Third Child." She shrugged. "A taller, less wimpy, more insane version of you, but like you." She sighed and was silent for a moment. "I'll give you what you want, Third Child. But first, you have to give me something."

Shinji reached into his pocket, and froze. "Oh man, I left my wallet in my other plugsuit..."

"No. It is not money I desire or need." Her eyes met his. "A kiss."

"Say WHAT?" Asuka and Shinji exclaimed simutaneously.

"Yes. I want you to kiss me as if you were kissing her, Shinji." Azonia pointed at Asuka.

"Why?"

"You love her. She loves you. It's so obvious it's sickening. A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, I knew what that felt like. I want to remember it, like Celine Dion. I want to sample it, like Puff Daddy. That's all. Just a sample."

The pistol was in Asuka's hand and pointed at the Zentraedi woman's head in a blur. "Why don't you sample Colonel Colt instead–" Gendo gently put a hand on the barrel and pushed it down.

"Such Micronian emotion over something so small. It's only a kiss."

Shinji wasn't so sure about this. He had been suckered by females into kisses before. "Why should we trust you?"

"If I don't deliver you to Myoga, Asuka can kill me."

"You sure I can't just kill you now?" Asuka asked sarcastically.

"Um..." Shinji looked at Asuka, who turned and put her nose in the air. "O-Okay..." He drew close to her and she to him. It was awkward; Azonia was taller than he was. She put a finger up as she leaned down. "But you have to make me believe I am her."

"Er, okay." Shinji leaned upwards and brushed his lips with hers, a tender, loving kiss. Azonia was trembling, but her lips were as cold as marble. "Um...how's that?"

"Terrible," Azonia growled. "Forget it. I am leaving."

"Wait!" Shinji put a hand on her arm before she could draw away. "You–you want me to kiss you like she kisses me, right?" Azonia nodded. "All right." Without warning, Shinji pinched Azonia's nose shut and clamped his mouth on hers. He held her steady until he felt her body begin to shake and her cheeks swell with the need for oxygen. Only when it looked like she was ready to pass out did he let go of her nose and let their lips part. Azonia stumbled backwards, puffing with exertion, and nearly fell.

"Wow," she struggled out. "That...that was how she kisses you?"

"Uh, yeah. I mean, I didn't squeeze your butt or anything, but..."

"Wow," Azonia repeated. "That..." She looked at Asuka, who was surprised to see the other woman's eyes misty with tears. "I envy you, Asuka Langely Soryu. But such things are not meant to last."

"Whatever," Asuka snorted.

"Come with me." Azonia, still stumbling a little, led them out of the bathroom. Gendo looked at his son and winked. Asuka stared daggers at Azonia's back, then gave Shinji only a slightly less threatening look.

"I had to do it," Shinji whispered insistently.

"She better not have given you the tongue," Asuka snapped back.


End file.
